{"id":10296,"date":"2013-10-25T11:54:33","date_gmt":"2013-10-25T17:54:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=10296"},"modified":"2013-10-25T11:54:33","modified_gmt":"2013-10-25T17:54:33","slug":"the-happy-bell-shaped-curve-of-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/the-happy-bell-shaped-curve-of-life\/","title":{"rendered":"The happy bell-shaped curve of life"},"content":{"rendered":"

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF<\/em><\/p>\n

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The curve rules except for one crucial factor that has made plutocrats of some and suckers of others \u2013 weight:\u00a0 fat, flesh that cushions the human bone.\u00a0 When it comes to weight that famous bell-shaped curve turns into a huge bulge where the number of fat, happy people numerically live on the fat side of the fat end of the graph.<\/p>\n

Yes, I said happy.\u00a0 If someone asked you for a quick reflexive answer to who\u2019s happier – the skinnies or the cherubically plump – I\u2019m betting on the heavyweights.\u00a0 And if there\u2019s truth that fat cuts longevity, who says a thick chunk of lemon pie a couple of times a week isn\u2019t a splendidly logical tradeoff for a week of this harried existence we call life?\u00a0 Or a cheeseburger with mayonnaise for a month?\u00a0 (There\u2019s a new, sacrificial dictionary listing the mortality price of all such treats.)<\/p>\n

Furthermore, the fickle nature of medical science may have it all wrong.\u00a0 St. Peter or Elijah \u2013 depending on your otherworld view \u2013 may greet you with:\u00a0 \u201cHello, Ted, we expected you last year, since you kept shoveling in mashed potatoes, rib steak and gravy.\u00a0 Well, far better late than never.”<\/p>\n

And isn\u2019t it strange that our Bible \u2013 the index of humanity \u2013 never, to my memory, condemns the fat, happy breed? \u00a0And in its comprehensive list of sins there is \u00a0never a mention about lemon pie with ice cream, though it does have a brief word or two about gluttony.<\/p>\n

How do you explain the fact that though we live in an era of bloated prosperity (\u201cHave another helping\u201d), human longevity continues to increase?<\/p>\n

And the more you eat, the more likely you\u2019re getting all the vitamins and minerals your body craves.\u00a0 And I seem to remember an experiment in which two-year-olds were allowed to pillage a food pile.\u00a0 And guess what?\u00a0 Uninfluenced by the culture, their infantile bodies chose a well-balanced array of foods.<\/p>\n

Me, too.\u00a0 I listen to my body.\u00a0 When it says I should top off my double hamburger soaked in catsup with apple pie a la mode, I obey!<\/p>\n

There must be more diets than there are calories in a bucket full of chocolate syrup.\u00a0 And all use the same lie of the doctor bending over the arm of his young patient.\u00a0 \u201cThis won\u2019t hurt a bit.\u201d\u00a0 Not true.<\/p>\n

To give up lemon icebox pie DOES hurt.\u00a0 The same can be said for 1,000 other treats that make life a delight instead of an obstacle course.\u00a0 In fact, if \u201cit doesn\u2019t hurt\u201d, you need a thorough check-up by a doctor who\u2019s not on the payroll of a diet company.<\/p>\n

Your body needs lemon icebox pie \u2013 in moderation.\u00a0 If your mind has taken over your body and demands three wedges of pie, it\u2019s just looking for thrills.\u00a0 So try something else.<\/p>\n

I have come up with the \u00a0\u201cSubstitution\u201d diet.\u00a0 As my wife reaches for her second lamb chop, I “accidently” knock the platter off the table.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s go to the movies,\u201d I suggest.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan we get popcorn?\u201d she replies.<\/p>\n

Movies are no longer safe.\u00a0 They are veritable buffets with nachos, sandwiches, plus the usual popcorn and candy. Lovemaking, too, is a great substitute.\u00a0 Or making money, or reading an inspiring book.\u00a0 Or even doing a good deed.\u00a0 Go visit old, cranky, demanding Aunt Elsie who instead of welcoming you with open arms, insists you wipe your clean feet on the doormat.\u00a0 Your mind, while reflecting on your virtue (how unselfish of you to visit this hag) will immediately drop its yearning for that third piece of pie.<\/p>\n

There in the simple example above you have the essence \u2013 no books to buy, no pills \u2013 of my un-patented diet. The substitution diet, I call it.\u00a0 Instead of surplus food, substitute a thrill in another dimension.\u00a0 Forget the second lamb chop.\u00a0 Hug your wife (if you can get your arms around her).<\/p>\n

All of the above is for enlightenment of our readership.\u00a0 But a word of warning: \u00a0please don\u2019t try it all at once at home.<\/p>\n

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