{"id":11227,"date":"2013-12-05T23:23:23","date_gmt":"2013-12-06T05:23:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=11227"},"modified":"2013-12-06T08:11:00","modified_gmt":"2013-12-06T14:11:00","slug":"different-jews","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/different-jews\/","title":{"rendered":"Different Jews"},"content":{"rendered":"

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"

But there are other deceptive and slippery categories that further define our brethren much more precisely. An example may help.<\/p>\n

Dorothy Bellin was an Orthodox Jew who fell in love with Benny Cohen, another Orthodox Jew. No problem. They were both in the same theological club. But the first indication of a misfit came up when they planned the menu for the wedding feast. (Benny\u2019s first huge\u00a0 mistake was not investigating her food proclivities. \u201cWe\u2019ll feature rib steak,\u201d said Dot.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with noodle kugel?\u201d says Benny.<\/p>\n

Both Jews, both Orthodox, both compliant with the 613 mitzvahs. Yet here was a gulf that threatened their harmony. Noodle kugel is cheaper, pointed out Benny. \u201cListen, kugelhead,\u201d said Dot, \u201cI don\u2019t want my friends looking back on my wedding as a pastapazool. My family is high toned. My ancestors came from Vienna, not Santa Lucia.\u201d That was only the beginning. Each choice in the food chain was an incitement to war.<\/p>\n

The food choices brought out their cultural differences. This was going to go on for three choices a day. Clearly a beer vs champagne cultural war. Dot, he suspected, would load up his corned beef sandwich lunch WITH MAYO, unheard of in Ben\u2019s circle. He\u2019d be more
\ncompatible with Anna Lasagna! Who didn\u2019t even keep kosher because she wasn\u2019t Jewish.<\/p>\n

My point, of course, is that even if you stay in the fold, don\u2019t forget you don\u2019t want a battle three times a day and you don\u2019t want to spend your life eating kosher bologna sandwiches. And if she insists on a lotta bologna sandwiches \u2013 kosher or not \u2013 you\u2019d better check her
\npedigree. She may be one of those counterfeit Jews. It might not be a bad idea to hire a private eye to check her out before the wedding.<\/p>\n

We Jews, aside from the four major sects, have so many subdivisions that you may find\u00a0 yourself locked into one of the four brand names and find yourself locked into one of the groups who lights a yahzeit candle before they do their yoga \u2013 pretzel-like exercises.<\/p>\n

You may have a high reverence for the Oral Law and so, too, your mate, except she interprets it as the wailings of your TV set. \u201cIt\u2019s oral, isn\u2019t it?\u201d You may honor the ban on milk and meat, but to her it\u2019s limited to cheeseburgers. There are so many laws in the \u201coral\u201d lexicon, each with a different touch of obedience. I\u2019m only suggesting it\u2019s good to investigate these beliefs before you\u2019ve chosen a mate.<\/p>\n

The Pew Research \u2013 an in-depth analysis of the different kids of Jews – has just come out. It classifies and reveals the activities of the four kinds of Jews, which I\u2019ll talk about later. But I\u2019m disappointed. It entirely omits the \u201cFood Jew\u201d – a huge category of Judaism.<\/p>\n

Interviewer: \u201cAre you Jewish and if so, to which branch of Judaism do you belong?\u201d<\/p>\n

Subject: \u201cOh, I\u2019m a noodle kugel Jew, but I also love Pastrami on Rye and a bagel topped with lox and cream cheese is my favorite breakfast. Besides that I always vote Democratic.\u201d<\/p>\n

Interviewer: \u201cDo you go to shul on Friday night or Saturday morning?\u201d<\/p>\n

Subject: \u201cYes, and I always get there in time for the Oneg. And I\u2019m always on time for the break-the-fast when Yom Kippur services are over.\u201d Definitely a food Jew!<\/p>\n

\"Share