{"id":12481,"date":"2014-02-14T16:20:01","date_gmt":"2014-02-14T22:20:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=12481"},"modified":"2014-02-14T16:37:22","modified_gmt":"2014-02-14T22:37:22","slug":"remember-those-homemade-valentines","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/remember-those-homemade-valentines\/","title":{"rendered":"Remember those homemade valentines?"},"content":{"rendered":"

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

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\u201cYeah,\u201d says my good friend, Herb. \u201cWhy shouldn\u2019t a man have the same privileges as a woman? Why can\u2019t we be cranky and irritable, and have a nice cry sometimes? Aren\u2019t we human, too? Won\u2019t a husband bruise if a wife kicks him; won\u2019t he starve if she doesn\u2019t feed him; won\u2019t he freeze if she pulls all the blankets over to HER side of the bed?<\/p>\n

Anyway, can\u2019t he have a splitting headache and go upstairs when his in-laws come over?<\/p>\n

Herb\u2019s still upset over Christmas. His mother-in-law, the Duchess of Discounts, gave him a grandfather clock. \u201cIt\u2019s a factory reject,\u201d says Herb. \u201cIt always adds a couple of extra bongs after midnight just to make sure you\u2019re up. It chimes off key. On the half hour it plays The Star Spangled Banner loudly. Why didn\u2019t she just buy the kids a drum set?\u201d wails Herb.<\/p>\n

Herb spends January and February taking back such gifts and working on his tax strategy \u2013 which is basically to pay less taxes than the homeless and avoid a \u201cFederal Correctional Institution\u201d. He means jail. \u201cAnd jails have lousy libraries,\u201d adds Herb. \u201cHow many crooks wanna read “Macbeth<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do men gotta be so darned strong?\u201d he moans. He says this a lot in February when there isn\u2019t a vacation or holiday in sight except for Valentine\u2019s Day, which he hates since he never gets a present. He calls it a heathen holiday. It\u2019s for pagans and wives,\u201d he claims.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like Mother\u2019s Day, if you\u2019re NOT a mother; or Thanksgiving, if you\u2019re a turkey.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLemme make sure I understand, Herb. Kinda like the 4th of July, if you\u2019re a watermelon or a hot dog?”<\/p>\n

\u201cYou got THAT right,\u201d says Herbie.<\/p>\n

Herb swears the last time he got a present on Valentine\u2019s Day was in the third grade when Charlotte Green drew his name in the class lottery and sent him a discount coupon for a five-pound box of chocolates instead of a Valentine; and a mailing sticker with her address.<\/p>\n

I thought of Miss Crump \u2013 my 6th grade teacher \u2013 who democratized our public school classroom. She decreed that all Valentines had to be homemade. Some of the rich kids \u2013 the year before \u2013 had bought 5-cent Valentines instead of 2-centers. Goes to show you how rich are different from the rest of us. They\u2019re smarter. Those rich kids knew the way to a gal\u2019s heart was through her pocketbook. My 6th grade teacher, however, wanted a level playing field for our adolescent romances. \u201cMake your own,\u201d said Miss Crump, the democrat. So, everybody went home, dug out a scissors and glue pot, and asked Mamato make a stack of Valentines. That way, you see, the kids with the most creative mamas, not the richest papas, got the prettiest girls.<\/p>\n

Even the young know corruption.<\/p>\n

I have another Valentine\u2019s Day memory \u2013 it\u2019s 15 years later and I\u2019m no longer young and innocent. I\u2019m married and I\u2019ve learned the lesson those smart, rich kids knew years before me; i.e., the female of the species goes for baubles. So, with presents to my bride, I celebrate her birthday, her aunt\u2019s birthday, her aunt\u2019s cousin\u2019s birthday, and even the anniversary of my sister-in-law\u2019s divorce from her second husband.<\/p>\n

But as I come down the stairs on a Saturday morning in February, something\u2019s wrong. Breakfast seems to be a place mat, a knife and fork, and a shiny plate \u2013 no egg, no toast. The wife\u2019s climate is Antarctic and there\u2019s a frost on her short replies to my questions about her health. This is a major storm.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s see, I rewarded her on our early February anniversary. And her birthday is in November. February isn\u2019t even the right month for the aunt\u2019s birthday. Then I remember. It\u2019s that darned heathen holiday that Herb hates with a passion. So, I run to the den where there\u2019s scissors and glue and some old magazines full of suitable pictures andmake the fanciest homemade Valentine in town. Miss Crump would have been proud of me. It wasn\u2019t even sticky and the verse was as mushy as chocolate pudding.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019d been one of those rich kids, I\u2019d have slipped in a 20 dollar bill. But later the wife says it\u2019s OK. She loved the verse. And if she needs a 20, she\u2019ll take it outta my wallet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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