{"id":33096,"date":"2016-11-21T03:37:55","date_gmt":"2016-11-21T09:37:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=33096"},"modified":"2016-11-21T03:37:55","modified_gmt":"2016-11-21T09:37:55","slug":"theres-heaven-you-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/theres-heaven-you-know\/","title":{"rendered":"There’s heaven, you know"},"content":{"rendered":"

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Ted_Roberts\"

We want to see a glittering inscription in the Book of Life and the Scroll of Eternity.\u00a0We want a Hereafter full of Nova Lox on fresh onion bagel, short, fascinating sermons by our rabbis, discounted shul dues, wives that hate credit cards, and finally a huge paycheck for doing nothing, which goes directly to our celestial checking account.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve left out a few goodies, but you get the idea.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t let anybody tell you we Jews don\u2019t believe in Heaven.\u00a0We do. We believe in a penthouse over the rainbow where everybody\u2019s daughter marries an orthopedic surgeon.\u00a0But we snap our theological fingers at that other place where the air conditioning never works and the average daily temperature will melt your silver Seder plate. My neighborhood church marquee, in a record breaking hot week in July stated, \u201cYou think it\u2019s hot here?\u201d.\u00a0Not a Jewish concept.<\/p>\n

So I ask my Rabbi, \u201cIf we don\u2019t believe that evil doers burn in you-know-where, how is justice done?\u201d\u00a0I\u2019ve noticed that liars, cheats, thieves, adulterers, and my unscrupulous business competitors don\u2019t always develop painful boils on their hindquarters.\u00a0And they\u2019re not always poverty stricken.\u00a0So how are they punished?<\/p>\n

Consider Mannie, an ideal candidate for barbecuing.\u00a0He\u2019s so slick you won\u2019t miss your wallet until you send your pants to the cleaners.\u00a0How come he has a bigger house than me?\u00a0And a fancier car, plus a wife that makes the best kreplach in town.\u00a0And you\u2019re telling me that later we\u2019re going to have adjacent lockers up THERE?\u00a0And he\u2019s gonna tell me endless stories of his car\u2019s 0-60 miles-per-hour performance and his wife\u2019s kreplach?<\/p>\n

>Meditating on this hellish vision of Heaven, I dozed off and dreamed I was there already.<\/p>\n

I walked right through those pearly gates and the first creature I met was an angel in a flowing robe with a trendy brush cut who directed me to the nearest synagogue.\u00a0\u00a0It was Friday night and my first celestial assignment was to attend services.<\/p>\n

Services in heaven.\u00a0\u00a0What a crisp, 30-minute experience.\u00a0And the rabbi\u2019s five-minute sermon was mostly about my good works.\u00a0My fellow worshipers turned and beamed at the pious newcomer, me.\u00a0The rest of the service was about Mannie and what a louse he was to outdo ME on earth and how lucky he was that the Jewish cosmology had banished hell.<\/p>\n

After we sang a snappy version of Ein Kalohenu<\/em>, I was surrounded by well wishers – each of whom had something ugly to say about Mannie.\u00a0Heavenly.<\/p>\n

Then to the kiddush.\u00a0Ah, whatta feast.\u00a0Plenty of raisins in the kugel.\u00a0(This was heaven; so raisin-hating kugel eaters were equally pleased by a total lack of raisins.)\u00a0And not too much mayonnaise in the potato salad.\u00a0\u201cJust right,\u201d said mayonnaise enthusiasts.<\/p>\n

And there were thick slabs of lox on the table instead of pink, lox-flavored cream cheese.\u00a0Best of all, as I was informed by a fellow diner, \u201cNo calories, you know – not a one\u201d.<\/p>\n

Later, in the study session that afternoon, the Rambam, Rashi, and Rabbi Akiva discussed the Torah reading in such elegant simplicity that even I understood it.\u00a0And in the group discussion that followed, both Rashi and The Rambam smiled at me and commented that my questions were \u201cinsightful and penetrating\u201d.\u00a0Heaven, you know.<\/p>\n

This is too good to be true, I thought. I must write a story about this place.\u00a0So I did.\u00a0But who to sell it to?\u00a0Let\u2019s see, one of my Jewish press editors?\u00a0Hadassah?\u00a0The Forward. . . .?\u00a0\u00a0I finally decided to call the largest and most prestigious Jewish newspaper in America – the one whose editor rejected me as regularly as Pharaoh rejected the pleas of Moses.\u00a0With trepidation I punched in the numbers.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello,\u201d answered a familiar voice.\u00a0\u201cMt. Sinai Messenger.\u201d<\/p>\n

But wait.\u00a0\u00a0It wasn\u2019t Pharaoh.\u00a0\u00a0And it wasn\u2019t Haman.\u00a0\u00a0IT WAS THE SWEET VOICE OF MY OWN MAMA!!\u201cMama, is it you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh sure, Teddy.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019m the new editor of the Mt. Sinai Messenger and any other magazine or newspaper you decide to call.\u00a0\u00a0Hope you have a< column for me – you know you never wrote a bad one.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heaven, you know.<\/p>\n

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