Judaism, on the other hand, puts an erotic poem – the Song of Songs – in our authorized holy book. And look at all the romances, affairs, wooings, matings – some legit, some borderline, some bawdy – in our Tanach.\u00a0\u00a0Samson and Delilah, Judah and his daughter-in-law, David and Bathsheba, Ruth and Boaz, Joseph and Potiphar\u2019s wife, Jacob and Becky. Beginning with our all-father Abraham there are amorous details about his marriage to two wives that would fill a newsstand full of National Inquirers.<\/p>\n
Then go look at \u201clove\u201d in the New Testament. Not much there. The closest they get to sexual reality is the well-known parable about throwing stones at prostitutes. There is a definite difference in accents.\u00a0\u00a0My point? A celebration of love – Valentine\u2019s Day – should be OUR holiday.<\/p>\n
Some say we originated it. Some say it started with young Manny Feibish, a British schoolboy. Newly bar mitzvahed, he suddenly noticed that the world contained girls as well as carrot tzimmus. (He loved carrot tzimmus). \u00a0He worshipped – from a distance of course – his schoolmate, Vicki Valentine. (Legend says they changed it from Valenstein.)<\/p>\n
He preferred a pounding with a cricket bat to a short conversation with this half-grown schoolgirl. He stuttered and blinked, and a rash (which spelled \u201cI LOVE YOU\u201d in blotchy red bumps) popped out on his back.<\/p>\n
So Manny – eager to proclaim his emotions – approached his good friend, young Master Marcus Hallmark, two years post Bar Mitzvah. Hallmark was well known for his courage with young ladies and a talent for fond phrases. Yes, and a need for shillings, pence, and pounds. Manny Feibish begged his pal, Hallmark, to deliver a devotional message to Vicki, the playground queen. \u201cI\u2019ll give you a whole handful of pence, Hallmark.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0That very afternoon they held their planning session.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat thoughts should I convey to Mistress Valentine,\u201d began the silver-tongued emissary.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, tell her I think she\u2019s cuter than a plate full of kreplach.\u201d Manny was fascinated with kreplach. In fact, the same devotion was applied to anything that came on a plate. Consequently, he was a rounded little fellow.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love her yellow hair and I think her eyes are shinier than my finest aggie marble,\u201d said Manny.<\/p>\n
Young Master Hallmark, blessed with a maturity beyond his age, duly took notes. \u201cHair so fine – Eyes that shine – Will you be mine, Valentine?\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day young Master Hallmark, note in hand, was waiting by the playground swing for the golden girl. He was idly making a dollar sign in the dust at his feet when he looked up at a pair of emerald green eyes framed by crayon yellow hair. Gad – Manny Feibish should have warned him. Who could look at those eyes and still command brain and tongue to work sensibly together?<\/p>\n
He tried, but like his employer, he developed palpitations. And only gibberish fell on the sugar cookie ears of Mistress Vicki Valentine.\u00a0\u00a0The messenger fled, but not before he thrust his notes in Victoria\u2019s palm.<\/p>\n
The next day the owner of the emerald eyes and sugar cookie ears coyly approached a trembling Manny Feibish. She wore a modest shawl over her hypnotic hair and she turned down the volume of those radiating emerald eyes so that Manny could breathe normally and articulate without slobbering.<\/p>\n
It made no difference.\u00a0\u00a0But luckily, Victoria opened the conversation with, \u201cYes, yes, yes, I\u2019ll be your Valentine forever. What a loving heart lies in your pudgy chest. And what a poetic soul pulses in your cuddly body. And I\u2019d love to share a plate of kreplach with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The poetic soul moved its head up and down in recognition and gratitude. That\u2019s all it could do.<\/p>\n
Well, the word soon got around the playground that Hallmark could make a golden cage of phrases that could capture any girlish heart.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just give him a few clues,\u201d Manny Feibish told a group of spellbound listeners, \u201clike her hair color and whether she\u2019s thick or thin.\u00a0\u00a0He makes up a mushy note and takes it to her. Next thing you know – you\u2019re sitting at her parents\u2019 dining room table. She\u2019s smiling at you. \u00a0And you\u2019re eating a big plate of carrot tzimmus warmed by her smiles.\u201d<\/p>\n
Business boomed for Young Master Hallmark. He kept that lucky last line that had heralded his new career. With a slight twist it became – \u201cWon\u2019t you be MY Valentine\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0In fact, since all young ladies of ten have hair so fine and eyes that shine, he used the very same verse for years. It went with everything – like your white socks. His career thrived.<\/p>\n
That Hallmark, he was a card!<\/p>\n
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