{"id":35802,"date":"2017-04-09T11:34:20","date_gmt":"2017-04-09T17:34:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=35802"},"modified":"2017-04-10T10:37:37","modified_gmt":"2017-04-10T16:37:37","slug":"the-presidential-seder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/the-presidential-seder\/","title":{"rendered":"The Presidential Seder"},"content":{"rendered":"

THE PRESIDENTIAL SEDER<\/h3>\n

By ALAN SMASON<\/p>\n

Ivanka and Jared decided to invite
\nTheir presidential father to the seder one night
\nThey cleaned their home and no one complained;
\nNot even a smidgen of chometz remained.<\/p>\n

Knowing their father never liked second best
\nThey pulled our their China so he could attest
\nThat the pattern was outstanding, in fact, divine
\nAnd that no other seder had a pattern as fine<\/p>\n

Their Kiddush cups of crystal had magnificent lines
\nFor Baron Rothschild\u2019s picks of the grandest of wines.
\nThe silverware was heavy, a placing of eight
\nThree forks, two spoons, two knives and the plate<\/p>\n

Their large seder plate was a sight to behold
\nIts sections were carved from a plate of pure gold.
\nThe boiled eggs came from China, a thousand years each
\nThe gefilte fish, so fresh, purchased from Miami Beach.<\/p>\n

They pulled out an array of fresh roasted nuts
\nThe finest of course, no ifs ands or buts
\nThe tablecloths were spun of the highest grade silk
\nNone from Mexico or India or any of that <\/em>ilk.<\/p>\n

Next to each of the settings the waiters did place
\nHaggadahs whose bindings were covered in lace
\nThe pillows were filled with the softest of down
\nA \u201cDuck Dynasty\u201d gift, the fluffiest in town.<\/p>\n

The President\u2019s arrival was anything but normal
\nTrumpets gave notice that the evening was formal.
\nF-18s roared overhead in salute as they landed
\nThe President and Melania posed for shots that were candid.<\/p>\n

Then into the house they all went inside
\nLeaving unhappy reporters fit to be tied.
\nBloody Marys were mixed \u2013 stirred, but not shaken
\nWith potato vodka inside, so they all could partake in.<\/p>\n

After drinks were passed round, they all saw a sight
\nOf something that gave Ivanka a bit of a fright.
\nWhere the children were to sit, her dad built a wall
\nOf colorful Legos about two feet tall!<\/p>\n

\u201cDad, please stop what you\u2019re doing\u201d Ivanka interjected
\nYour\u2019re in my house now and I want to be respected.\u201d
\nHer dad said \u201cOkay, I was just having my way.
\n\u201cBesides, if I built it, there was no way you\u2019d<\/em> pay.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was then Jared decided to lead by design
\nHe begged they all sit down and sample the wine.
\nThe Kiddush was made with the glasses held high
\nBut Melania accidentally spilled some on her thigh.<\/p>\n

From the table she rose, dabbing her designer gown
\nWhat at first was deep red was now slightly brown.
\nShe scrubbed with mild soap as much as she was able
\nUntil finally she managed to return to the table<\/p>\n

By then the kids were dipping twigs of parsley in water
\nThe President was beaming with pride for his daughter.
\n\u201cYou\u2019ve done a great job with these three little ones,
\nYou\u2019re a great little mother and you\u2019ve stuck to your guns.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOy, gevahlt! Ivanka responded, not being coy
\n\u201cWhat do you take me for? Some little goy?
\nBeing Jewish is fun. I know which way is up.
\nYou would too…if you\u2019d had a Yiddishe kup!”<\/p>\n

The President grinned broadly and picked up the book
\n\u201cSo when do we eat?\u201d he asked with a look.
\n\u201cIt won\u2019t be much longer,\u201d Jared reported
\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m hungry,\u201d the President retorted.<\/p>\n

They read the Four Questions and the first cup they sipped
\nJared read the narration and three matzahs he gripped.
\n\u201cThis is the bread of affliction,\u201d he announced to them all
\n\u201cLet everyone taste it, no matter how small.\u201d<\/p>\n

They sampled bitter herbs and they tasted the sweetness
\nOf charoses made in Egypt that gave them completeness
\nThe second cup of wine they tasted with zeal
\nAnd they ate a Hillel sandwich right before the meal.<\/p>\n

After they all sampled fish, it was time for the group
\nTo have matzah balls swimming inside chicken soup
\nAfter the plates were all cleared, there was brisket a jus
\nWith potatoes and carrots in presidential review.<\/p>\n

Baked chicken and smoked turkey rounded out the meats
\nFor dessert: chocolate matzah and sugary treats.
\nThe afikoman, which was hidden, was found by a maid
\nInstructed to conduct her search when Ivanka did bade.<\/p>\n

The little ones were tired and were soon led to bed
\n\u201cGuess it\u2019s time for us to go,\u201d the President said.
\nSo, \u201cNext year in Jerusalem,\u201d the son-in-law inquired.
\n\u201cNo way,\u201d said Donald, \u201cDo that and you\u2019re fired!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m just reading what\u2019s in the Haggadah that\u2019s here.
\nSee \u2018Jerusalem\u2019 and the admonishment for the upcoming year?
\n\u201cOh, that\u2019s different,\u201d responded the Commander-in-Chief
\n\u201cWith the trouble in Jerusalem, I\u2019d have much more grief.<\/p>\n

And the factions with the Palestinians, well, it\u2019s always a crisis.
\nThere\u2019s Hamas and Hezbollah and don\u2019t get me started on ISIS.
\nAnd Syria that\u2019s what you call a no-win situation.
\nI pray every day for Assad\u2019s resignation.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo thanks again, kids, for the outrageous spread.
\nYou\u2019ve scored again even with a meal without bread.
\nThe flavors were delicious and the food was so savory.
\nI\u2019ve learned a lesson, too, on the Jews and on slavery.”<\/p>\n

So now I\u2019ll take my leave and fly through the skies
\nAnd go back to the White House and deal with the lies
\nOf those in the media who promulgate fake news.
\nWith this seder tonight, you\u2019re now my favorite<\/em> Jews!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a92017 Alan Smason<\/p>\n

\"Share