{"id":44015,"date":"2018-07-13T15:14:56","date_gmt":"2018-07-13T21:14:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=44015"},"modified":"2018-07-13T15:14:56","modified_gmt":"2018-07-13T21:14:56","slug":"op-ed-weddings-are-lovely-its-the-marriage-that-counts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/op-ed-weddings-are-lovely-its-the-marriage-that-counts\/","title":{"rendered":"OP-ED: Weddings are lovely; it’s the marriage that counts"},"content":{"rendered":"

By CINDY SHER<\/p>\n

CHICAGO (JTA) \u2014 My sister was married on a beautiful summer day many years ago.<\/p>\n

Those of us in the wedding party took pictures in a garden before the ceremony. As maid of honor, one of my duties was to hold up the train of her dress so it wouldn\u2019t drag through the dirt. But there was a lot of dirt, and the dress was soiled despite my best efforts. She couldn\u2019t see the grime, but her bridesmaids could, so I silently made eyes conveying my distress over the maid-of-honor fail.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t keep a secret from my sister. So a minute later, nearly in tears, I blurted out, \u201cUm, look at your dress,\u201d pointing to the gray smudges on the bottom edge of the gown.<\/p>\n

\u201cEh, oh well,\u201d my super un-diva-like sister replied with a shrug. \u201cWe\u2019re still getting married.\u201d She recognized that petty wedding details just didn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n

All these years later, despite the garden mishap, they\u2019re happily married with a brood of beautiful sons.<\/p>\n

In American culture and the Jewish community, too, we get caught up in weddings. We pour ridiculous sums of money into them \u2014 the average price tag for a wedding rose to a record $35,329 in 2016, according to The Knot.<\/p>\n

But more than that one big day, it\u2019s all the days after the wedding that count \u2014 it\u2019s really about the marriage.<\/p>\n

Torah teaches us about the origins of (what we now call) marriage in another more famous garden \u2014 the Garden of Eden. For that\u2019s where God saw that \u201cit is not good for man to be alone\u201d (Genesis 2:18) and created the first human couple, Adam and Eve. Marriage for them \u2014 and for all the married couples who follow(ed) in their footsteps down the aisle \u2014 was and is both meant to ensure the survival of humanity and help people find companionship and joy.<\/p>\n

Now the Garden of Paradise may be gone, but our hopes for happy marriages endure.<\/p>\n

One of the Jewish wedding blessings we still say under the huppah reflects that hope: \u201cMake these beloved companions as happy as were the first human couple in the Garden of Eden.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a tall order, and ought to take a lot more energy than whether to have sushi or mini hot dogs during the cocktail hour.<\/p>\n

In a few days, it\u2019s my turn to get hitched \u2014 in fact, on the same weekend as Tu b\u2019Av, the ancient Jewish holiday of matchmaking, which starts this year on the evening of July 26<\/a>. It\u2019s the day, the Talmud tells us, when young women would go out dressed in white and dance in the vineyards \u2014 in the gardens, if you will \u2014 and try to catch the eye of eligible bachelors.  <\/p>\n

My fianc\u00e9 and I are having fun planning the wedding \u2014 so long as we remember not to take it too seriously. Like when we spent hours singing along (loud and off-key) to Motown, big band and pop classics to select for our wedding playlist. Oh, and there were many buttercream cakes to be tasted \u2014now that\u2019s my version of paradise.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019d never given thought to some of the other details in planning a wedding; I spend more time daydreaming about what comes next.<\/p>\n

Take the wedding registry. I didn\u2019t care whether we choose All-Clad or Calphalon pots and pans, nor could I tell you the difference between the two brands. What I do care about is sharing joyous meals around the kitchen table with my future husband and, God willing, our children someday.<\/p>\n

And then there\u2019s the d\u00e9cor. I was asked to post some of my \u201cdream wedding\u201d pics on Pinterest, which for me first meant signing up for Pinterest. Then I was supposed to envision \u201cthe look\u201d of the wedding \u2014 the colors, the flowers, down to the napkin rings.<\/p>\n

When I picture the wedding, I don\u2019t see napkins. What I do see is my fianc\u00e9 standing under the huppah waiting for me with our loved ones surrounding us. And the only rings I care about are the ones we\u2019ll exchange to signify that I am his beloved and he is mine.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s an episode of \u201cSex and the City\u201d in which Charlotte is married for the second time after an unhappy first marriage. During the second (Jewish) wedding, the bride trips under the <\/i>huppah, Miranda\u2019s toast to the bride and groom goes up in smoke, and Charlotte spills wine on her gown.<\/p>\n

When the bride cries to Carrie about all the calamities, Carrie consoles her by reminding her that her first wedding was picture-perfect, but the marriage \u2014 not so much.<\/p>\n

\u201cI say the worse the wedding, the better the marriage,\u201d Carrie tells her friend. \u201c[Y]ou have a wonderful man who loves you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m a little older than the average bride \u2014 or maybe it\u2019s some of my past experiences that have led me to this place and helped me put the wedding day in perspective. Whatever it is, I won\u2019t sweat the details; I\u2019m not going to fret over boutonni\u00e8res, table numbers or the bustle on my dress staying bustled. Instead, I\u2019m going to stay focused on what I\u2019ve wanted for a very long time: a wonderful man who loves me to build a home with.<\/p>\n

But maybe, just the same, we\u2019ll skip the garden pictures.<\/p>\n

(Cindy<\/span> Sher is the executive editor of Chicago\u2019s JUF News, where a version of this article first appeared, and assistant vice president of marketing & communications for the Jewish United Fund\/Jewish Federation of Metropolitan Chicago.)<\/em><\/p>\n

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