In this week’s Torah portion, for the first time, we learn in detail of the reaction of a surviving relative to the death of a loved one. I speak, of course, of Abraham and his response to the death of his wife, Sarah. <\/span><\/p>\n <\/span>Much has been written about the psychology of the emotion of grief. It is a complex emotion and is a very long, sometimes life-long, process.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\nIt seems that there are at least two components to normal grief. There is an emotional component, consisting of feelings of great sadness and pervasive melancholy. There is also an intellectual component, as the mourner seeks to make some sense of his or her loss and to find purpose and meaning in the death of the loved one, to thus be able to move on in life. <\/span><\/p>\nSo it is not surprising that when Abraham learned of Sarah’s death, and he apparently was not in the vicinity of where she died, he came rushing to make the arrangements for her burial. <\/span><\/p>\nWe read that he \u201ccame to eulogize Sarah and to cry for her.\u201d Note the two components of his response. Crying, expressing feelings of loss through sobs and tears, bechi<\/i>, was one component. The other component was much more cerebral and consisted of a well thought-out and carefully composed eulogy. <\/span><\/p>\n Abraham honored Sarah with his heart, his feelings, but also with his head, with his mind and intellect. <\/span><\/p>\nBoth aspects of this dual response are necessary. Over the first, the emotional aspect, we have little control. Feelings burst forth even when we try to suppress them. <\/span><\/p>\nBut the second aspect, the reasoned and verbally expressed eulogy, is one over which we have great control. We can plan intentionally what we will say and what we won’t say in a eulogy, a hesped<\/i>. <\/span><\/p>\n There is a beautiful eulogy in the homiletic writings of the great 18<\/span>th<\/sup><\/span> century sage, Rabbi Ezekiel Landau, author of the authoritative halachic<\/i> work, Noda B’Yehuda<\/i>. In that eulogy, Rabbi Landau speaks about his wife, Leeba, and compares her to the matriarch Sarah. <\/span><\/p>\n He notes that in our text, Abraham cries \u201cfor her,\u201d the pronoun \u201cher\u201d being used instead of the proper name. However, he \u201ceulogizes Sarah. No pronoun here, but her personal name\u2014the name by which she was known to him and to all of her acquaintances.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\nRabbi Landau insists that Abraham was setting an example for all eulogies to follow, for all time and eternity. A eulogy must be specific and speak in detail about the particular and unique qualities of the deceased. One should not just eulogize \u201cher,\u201d one must eulogize \u201cSarah.\u201d Those listening to the eulogy must come away with a better sense of who the deceased was, with some details about what made the deceased special.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\nToo often at funerals, we hear clergymen make very impersonal remarks about death and eternity, and they do not leave us with even an impression of the biographical details and significance of the life that was just lost.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\nAbraham set the tone for a proper eulogy. He eulogized the Sarah that he knew. Not some abstract description which could fit any woman, but an exquisitely detailed portrait of the real Sarah, from the perspective of one who shared his life with her. <\/span><\/p>\nThere is so much that careful students of Torah have learned from the lives of Abraham and Sarah. One lesson that I personally cherish is the lesson of Abraham’s eulogy for his life’s companion. The actual words of this eulogy are not recorded, but the message is clear. It was not an anonymous \u201cher\u201d that he mourned, but a real, flesh and blood, deeply beloved life-long spouse, Sarah. <\/span><\/p>\n
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