{"id":7535,"date":"2013-06-07T17:20:30","date_gmt":"2013-06-07T23:20:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/?p=7535"},"modified":"2013-06-07T17:20:30","modified_gmt":"2013-06-07T23:20:30","slug":"aint-science-great","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.crescentcityjewishnews.com\/blog\/aint-science-great\/","title":{"rendered":"Ain’t science great?"},"content":{"rendered":"

BY TED ROBERTS, The SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF<\/em><\/p>\n

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And much of my observation is focused on gender issues.\u00a0 I postulated the counter culture observation that Jewish women are different from men.\u00a0 Sure women can serve in the military, operate a jackhammer, and even solve a quadratic equation.\u00a0 So, don\u2019t get me wrong, we\u2019re not talking about inferiority, but simply about differences.\u00a0 Physiologically, they are obvious.<\/p>\n

My Uncle Max in his underwear is obviously different from Aunt Mamie.\u00a0 But we\u2019re talking subtleties.\u00a0 I\u00a0 was the first researcher in this field to notice \u2013 get this \u2013 that\u00a0 women cannot effectively wink.\u00a0 They have a tendency to close both\u00a0 eyes, which is improper.\u00a0 I\u2019ve even met women who used their hand to\u00a0 hold open the non-winking eye.\u00a0 My friends, when I brought this
\negregious situation to their attention, immediately and cruelly attacked\u00a0 my experimental modus operandi<\/em>.\u00a0 (Scientists are always skeptical of results THEY didn\u2019t discover.)<\/p>\n

The Journal of Gender Differences headlined my observation on its cover.\u00a0 My jealous co-workers immediately attacked my sample size of two, my wife and my granddaughter.\u00a0 I thought it was clever of me to cover the extremities of age.\u00a0 Due to this furor among behaviorists, the Journal retracted my conclusion when they found I had mistakenly cited 2,000 subjects instead of two.\u00a0 Big deal.\u00a0 Two or two thousand or two million.\u00a0 It was still a worthy scientific contribution \u2013 as important as that government-funded study showing that women DO NOT paint their nails while driving.<\/p>\n

But despite my defeat on the no-wink issue, I\u2019ve got a new hypothesis as solid as a rock and it\u2019s not like I\u2019ve made up my mind before viewing the experimental data.\u00a0 The idea first came from a sample of one \u2013 my lovely wife.\u00a0 Yes, sample size one.\u00a0 Then another experiment.<\/p>\n

I know I\u2019ve nailed this one.\u00a0 I\u2019ll send it off to the Journal of\u00a0 Gender Differences this week.\u00a0 It\u2019s simple and it\u2019s based on a sample\u00a0 size of eight \u2013 eight, not two.\u00a0 Hypothesis:\u00a0 No woman watching a TV\u00a0 movie of normal length has ever seen the end of the movie.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 The\u00a0 answer is elementary, Watson.\u00a0 She falls asleep on the couch every\u00a0 time.\u00a0 No matter the movie, no matter the cast, she\u2019s a goner in 30 minutes to an hour.\u00a0 This covers all female species, wives,\u00a0 girlfriends, aunts, nieces, friends, or your female feline.\u00a0 It never fails.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll set up the experiment in my living room.\u00a0 First, a large\u00a0 supper, then I\u2019ll seat my female guests in our most comfortable armchairs.\u00a0 Next, the movie.\u00a0 Then:\u00a0 The Big Sleep.\u00a0 The scenario is\u00a0 always the same.\u00a0 1) Excited chatter about the entertainment to come. 2) Total silence.\u00a0 3) The soft sound of deep and rhythmic breathing.\u00a0 No, my wife does not snore.\u00a0 I then ask a few clever questions to deduce when she left the world of the waking.<\/p>\n

And in my thesis to prove this scientific observation that I expect to verify, I must answer the \u201cwhy\u201d question.\u00a0 My answer is the soul of simplicity expressed in that old rubric:\u00a0 \u201cA man works from sun to sun.\u00a0 A woman\u2019s work is never done.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019re shuffling papers at work \u2013 she\u2019s doing the same or similar stuff and on top of that, in most marriages she\u2019s also provisioning the house, washing your clothes, and preparing meals.\u00a0 Funny thing, as predictable as her snooze on the couch, it never happens at the theater.\u00a0 Another gender difference; it\u2019s as though the frugal, thoughtful planner who is your wife or\u00a0 friend, mentally resolved to get her money\u2019s worth.\u00a0 \u201cThis cost me ten bucks.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna enjoy every minute of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Wait till the Journal sees this insight into the female psyche.\u00a0 Next
\ninvestigation:\u00a0 Why does it take them so long to get out of the car.\u00a0 I really know, but I guess I oughta do the experiment before I reveal the results.<\/p>\n

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