The Presidential Seder

THE PRESIDENTIAL SEDER

By ALAN SMASON

Ivanka and Jared decided to invite
Their presidential father to the seder one night
They cleaned their home and no one complained;
Not even a smidgen of chometz remained.

Knowing their father never liked second best
They pulled our their China so he could attest
That the pattern was outstanding, in fact, divine
And that no other seder had a pattern as fine

Their Kiddush cups of crystal had magnificent lines
For Baron Rothschild’s picks of the grandest of wines.
The silverware was heavy, a placing of eight
Three forks, two spoons, two knives and the plate

Their large seder plate was a sight to behold
Its sections were carved from a plate of pure gold.
The boiled eggs came from China, a thousand years each
The gefilte fish, so fresh, purchased from Miami Beach.

They pulled out an array of fresh roasted nuts
The finest of course, no ifs ands or buts
The tablecloths were spun of the highest grade silk
None from Mexico or India or any of that ilk.

Next to each of the settings the waiters did place
Haggadahs whose bindings were covered in lace
The pillows were filled with the softest of down
A “Duck Dynasty” gift, the fluffiest in town.

The President’s arrival was anything but normal
Trumpets gave notice that the evening was formal.
F-18s roared overhead in salute as they landed
The President and Melania posed for shots that were candid.

Then into the house they all went inside
Leaving unhappy reporters fit to be tied.
Bloody Marys were mixed – stirred, but not shaken
With potato vodka inside, so they all could partake in.

After drinks were passed round, they all saw a sight
Of something that gave Ivanka a bit of a fright.
Where the children were to sit, her dad built a wall
Of colorful Legos about two feet tall!

“Dad, please stop what you’re doing” Ivanka interjected
Your’re in my house now and I want to be respected.”
Her dad said “Okay, I was just having my way.
“Besides, if I built it, there was no way you’d pay.”

It was then Jared decided to lead by design
He begged they all sit down and sample the wine.
The Kiddush was made with the glasses held high
But Melania accidentally spilled some on her thigh.

From the table she rose, dabbing her designer gown
What at first was deep red was now slightly brown.
She scrubbed with mild soap as much as she was able
Until finally she managed to return to the table

By then the kids were dipping twigs of parsley in water
The President was beaming with pride for his daughter.
“You’ve done a great job with these three little ones,
You’re a great little mother and you’ve stuck to your guns.”

“Oy, gevahlt! Ivanka responded, not being coy
“What do you take me for? Some little goy?
Being Jewish is fun. I know which way is up.
You would too…if you’d had a Yiddishe kup!”

The President grinned broadly and picked up the book
“So when do we eat?” he asked with a look.
“It won’t be much longer,” Jared reported
“I’m sorry. I’m hungry,” the President retorted.

They read the Four Questions and the first cup they sipped
Jared read the narration and three matzahs he gripped.
“This is the bread of affliction,” he announced to them all
“Let everyone taste it, no matter how small.”

They sampled bitter herbs and they tasted the sweetness
Of charoses made in Egypt that gave them completeness
The second cup of wine they tasted with zeal
And they ate a Hillel sandwich right before the meal.

After they all sampled fish, it was time for the group
To have matzah balls swimming inside chicken soup
After the plates were all cleared, there was brisket a jus
With potatoes and carrots in presidential review.

Baked chicken and smoked turkey rounded out the meats
For dessert: chocolate matzah and sugary treats.
The afikoman, which was hidden, was found by a maid
Instructed to conduct her search when Ivanka did bade.

The little ones were tired and were soon led to bed
“Guess it’s time for us to go,” the President said.
So, “Next year in Jerusalem,” the son-in-law inquired.
“No way,” said Donald, “Do that and you’re fired!”

“But I’m just reading what’s in the Haggadah that’s here.
See ‘Jerusalem’ and the admonishment for the upcoming year?
“Oh, that’s different,” responded the Commander-in-Chief
“With the trouble in Jerusalem, I’d have much more grief.

And the factions with the Palestinians, well, it’s always a crisis.
There’s Hamas and Hezbollah and don’t get me started on ISIS.
And Syria that’s what you call a no-win situation.
I pray every day for Assad’s resignation.

“So thanks again, kids, for the outrageous spread.
You’ve scored again even with a meal without bread.
The flavors were delicious and the food was so savory.
I’ve learned a lesson, too, on the Jews and on slavery.”

So now I’ll take my leave and fly through the skies
And go back to the White House and deal with the lies
Of those in the media who promulgate fake news.
With this seder tonight, you’re now my favorite Jews!”