Different Jews
By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF
I don’t think it’s really necessary to inform my nationwide reading audience of a dozen or so – including my two cousins in Jersey – of the formalized clans of Judaism. But I will anyhow. Roughly we have Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionists.
But there are other deceptive and slippery categories that further define our brethren much more precisely. An example may help.
Dorothy Bellin was an Orthodox Jew who fell in love with Benny Cohen, another Orthodox Jew. No problem. They were both in the same theological club. But the first indication of a misfit came up when they planned the menu for the wedding feast. (Benny’s first huge mistake was not investigating her food proclivities. “We’ll feature rib steak,” said Dot.
“What’s wrong with noodle kugel?” says Benny.
Both Jews, both Orthodox, both compliant with the 613 mitzvahs. Yet here was a gulf that threatened their harmony. Noodle kugel is cheaper, pointed out Benny. “Listen, kugelhead,” said Dot, “I don’t want my friends looking back on my wedding as a pastapazool. My family is high toned. My ancestors came from Vienna, not Santa Lucia.” That was only the beginning. Each choice in the food chain was an incitement to war.
The food choices brought out their cultural differences. This was going to go on for three choices a day. Clearly a beer vs champagne cultural war. Dot, he suspected, would load up his corned beef sandwich lunch WITH MAYO, unheard of in Ben’s circle. He’d be more
compatible with Anna Lasagna! Who didn’t even keep kosher because she wasn’t Jewish.
My point, of course, is that even if you stay in the fold, don’t forget you don’t want a battle three times a day and you don’t want to spend your life eating kosher bologna sandwiches. And if she insists on a lotta bologna sandwiches – kosher or not – you’d better check her
pedigree. She may be one of those counterfeit Jews. It might not be a bad idea to hire a private eye to check her out before the wedding.
We Jews, aside from the four major sects, have so many subdivisions that you may find yourself locked into one of the four brand names and find yourself locked into one of the groups who lights a yahzeit candle before they do their yoga – pretzel-like exercises.
You may have a high reverence for the Oral Law and so, too, your mate, except she interprets it as the wailings of your TV set. “It’s oral, isn’t it?” You may honor the ban on milk and meat, but to her it’s limited to cheeseburgers. There are so many laws in the “oral” lexicon, each with a different touch of obedience. I’m only suggesting it’s good to investigate these beliefs before you’ve chosen a mate.
The Pew Research – an in-depth analysis of the different kids of Jews – has just come out. It classifies and reveals the activities of the four kinds of Jews, which I’ll talk about later. But I’m disappointed. It entirely omits the “Food Jew” – a huge category of Judaism.
Interviewer: “Are you Jewish and if so, to which branch of Judaism do you belong?”
Subject: “Oh, I’m a noodle kugel Jew, but I also love Pastrami on Rye and a bagel topped with lox and cream cheese is my favorite breakfast. Besides that I always vote Democratic.”
Interviewer: “Do you go to shul on Friday night or Saturday morning?”
Subject: “Yes, and I always get there in time for the Oneg. And I’m always on time for the break-the-fast when Yom Kippur services are over.” Definitely a food Jew!
