Passover Poem: ‘Imaginary Seder’

IMAGINARY SEDER

By ALAN SMASON

I’ve come up with a novel idea
For the seder meal tonight
Instead of having real life folks
I know just whom to invite.

I’ve scoured books and magazines
To find Jewish characters within
I’ve summoned the actors from movies and TV
And all their Jewish kin.

We’ll start off with Shakespeare
And Shylock, a lender and merchant by trade
A man who wanted his pound of flesh
To seal his bargain ill-made.

Next Julius, Arthur and Leonard
Three brothers you might not know
Unless I call them by their stagenames –
Groucho, Harpo and Chico.

Ask them to sit with Jack Benny
Who has quite a way with a fiddle
We’ll urge him to play “Love in Bloom” for us
While Mary Livingstone sits in the middle.

Next we’ll invite Portnoy
Who is kvetching about his “complaint.”
If you ever read Phil Roth’s exploits of him
You’ll know he wasn’t a saint.

We’ll have to have Jerry Seinfeld, of course
Jerry Stiller with converted wife Anne Mearer
Their son Ben should be invited as well
And we must not forget Harry Shearer.

We need to boldly go where no one has gone
So William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, “Mr. Spock,”
Will join “Mr. Data,” Brent Spiner
As the Star Trek actors who rock.

Two ladies we’re asking will come single
Dharma sans Greg; Grace without Will
Put cotton in your ears when Fran Drescher
Arrives, with a voice incredibly shrill.

We can ask the actor who played the Fonz
To accompany the character named Rhoda
It’s just that Henry Winkler is really a Jew
But Valerie Harper’s as Jewish as Yoda.

Seated next to them will be Kyle Broflovski
A character made famous from “South Park.”
Here comes “Krusty the Clown” and his father
The rabbi who disowned him on a lark.

Next to them are the members of the Pickles family,
The “Rugrats” Nickledodeon fans claim
They make the way clear for Messrs. Howard and Fine
The Three Stooges of Hollywood fame.

Now, for those looking for a “hot” satskie
Natalie Portman, Gweneth Paltrow, Sara Geller
Are bound to raise the heart rates of most
Including this red-blooded feller.

We’ll make way for Broadway Danny Rose
As portrayed by director Woody Allen
Jackie Mason will certainly make the cut
But unfortunately not Jimmy Fallon.

Both Dinah Shore and Lauren Bacall
Will be next to come in through the door
They may have had to change their names,
But their talent kept us wanting for more.

Milton Berle is dressing in drag
And George Burns is with his sweet Gracie
They usher in Batwoman, Kate Kane
Whose attire is snug and so racy.

Jake Gyllenhaal rides in from “Brokeback Mountain”
And sister Maggie has one “Crazy Heart.”
Seth Rogen, Shia Lebouef and Jonah Hill
Can’t wait for the seder to start.

Who should come in next but Magneto
A mutant who opposes Dr. X?
He’s followed by “Friends” Ross and Monica
Both attractive to the opposite sex.

It would seem that our table is too crowded
To accompany any more guests
But here comes Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles,
Who jabs us with put downs and jests.

The best thing our hosts will consider
And should put them in a proper mood.
These guests may arrive here in our minds
But they won’t eat one morsel of food.

Well it appears there isn’t a single seat left
So, Elijah’s the last one we need
“Chag Samayeach” we say to each other
And from Egypt we’re grateful to be freed.