Hillel and Shammai debate how one is to dance before a bridal couple, when it is customary to extol the virtues of the bride (Ketubot 17A-B). Shammai maintains we should truthfully “describe the bride just as she is.” Hillel insists we declare: “The bride is beautiful and pious” – even should we find her physically unattractive and less than spiritually or morally refined!! Tosafot explain that Shammai would not insult the bride, but would identify her most positive characteristics and honestly emphasize them. Hillel was concerned that by complimenting an isolated quality (“Nice eyes!”), one implies through omission that the bride is lacking in other assets.
Hillel understood what Professor Stephen Carter described two millennia later as “the insufficiency of honesty.” The author of “Integrity,” Carter wrote: “You don’t have to tell people everything you know… Sometimes integrity is best served by keeping silent.” Absolutizing truth… practicing unrestrained self-expression at the expense of others’ feelings, shows a distinct lack of integrity. Our sacred task at a wedding is to support and applaud the celebrants, and to esteem the institution of marriage. To draw attention to the personal shortcomings of bride or groom – or gratuitously to derogate others – represents a moral and personal betrayal… however accurate our observations.
Sometimes integrity requires that we dance around the truth!
(Rabbi Joseph H. Prouser is the rabbi of Temple Emanuel of North Jersey and the National Chaplain of the National Jewish Committee on Scouting.)
Hillel and Shammai debate how one is to dance before a bridal couple, when it is customary to extol the virtues of the bride (Ketubot 17A-B). Shammai maintains we should truthfully “describe the bride just as she is.” Hillel insists we declare: “The bride is beautiful and pious” – even should we find her physically unattractive and less than spiritually or morally refined!! Tosafot explain that Shammai would not insult the bride, but would identify her most positive characteristics and honestly emphasize them. Hillel was concerned that by complimenting an isolated quality (“Nice eyes!”), one implies through omission that the bride is lacking in other assets.