Black Friday

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF

Why do they call it Black Friday? This Friday after Thanksgiving, when drunk with turkey parts and cranberry sauce, we run out of the house and into the nearest retailer of whatever strikes our fancy. But why Black Friday? Why not Bright Friday?

Why the condemnation of the material charms of America? It’s an inspiring experience to take a foreigner to a typical American supermarket. They are dizzied by the variety of foodstuff. (“Look, there’s a whole aisle of breakfast food.”) Try a Sam’s or Walmart or Publix. Petrograd or even Paris was never like this. So much and so cheap by their standards.

At home, you might work all day for a hamburger. Here, it’s a two-hour chore. We homegrown Americans who have never been abroad miss this blessing of capitalism. And while we’re singing the praises of Capitalism, guess how many Asians and Africans (even Europeans) own a car and a three-bedroom house. I’d say 15% is a generous guess. Just a guess. Even Google doesn’t know for sure.

But it all takes us back to the euphoria of so-called Black Friday and the looming appearance of that fat, jolly guy in the red and white double-breasted outfit. Wonder if Aunt Bertha likes a green or yellow sweater? But I’m not as impressed by the guy and his minimum wage elves as his magic. Two billion calls in one night – and don’t forget all those cookies he’s got to eat (else, the homeowners feelings are hurt). And the reindeer. In this age of animal sensitivity we mustn’t forget the reindeer and their worldwide marathon.

But don’t forget they learned this time-bending trick from their Jewish progenitors who drafted Elijah to call on every Jewish home as they celebrated Passover. And he didn’t fool with cookies. He downed a glass of wine. Now, it’s true there aren’t as many Jewish Passover celebrants as Christian Christmas ones. And in all fairness, you’ve got to admit that Elijah isn’t burdened with gifts. But, hasn’t got a reindeer to his name and he’s got to drink a vinery before the night is over. And may even have to chat about Passover while Santa sneaks in and out without a word of conversation, except for a hurried, “Merry Christmas”. Ecumenically, the Creator of Santa and Elijah revealed the trick of simultaneous appearance to both religions. What a hit it would be in a Vegas lounge show.

But as they say on the TV commercials, there’s more. Chinese, long accused of copycatism, have engineered General Tso (often misspelled, but we know it’s the same chef). This singular oriental cook is in every Chinese restaurant on the planet (and for all we know on Mars, too). Just look at the menu on any Chinese restaurant. He’s always there with his chunks of sticky, sweet chicken and rice. He may spell his name a little differently, but it’s him and his chicken cooking in thousands of eateries simultaneously. How did he learn the secret shared by Santa and Elijah? I say he’s a poor competitor to his two colleagues. He carries no packages and he drinks no wine. Big deal. So, he shows up at 10,000 Chinese restaurants, all on the same night. It took him a couple thousand years to learn the secret.