The world’s first newlyweds learn the facts of life

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF

We 21st Century folks, looking back at Eden, see it as the paradise that our Chumash (Five Books of Moses) describes. No work, no bills, no taxes, none of those miserable New Jersey winters. But a few suspicions prick at our minds. What did they do all day – and another thing hinted in Genesis – how did the newlyweds get along?

Did Eve insist that Adam sweep out their cave? (We assume they slept in a cave – they were not tree-sleeping monkeys, you know.) I’m betting that paradise or not, Eve had a “to do” list for Adam every morning. Eve, unlike my lovely wife who sprawls on a recliner, sat on a big rock and supervised.

“Adam, you didn’t get that corner by the cave door – Adam, there’s a cobweb on the ceiling.”

It was Adam this and Adam that while poor, overworked Adam longed to take a swim with Eden’s dolphins. Fine paradise!

Sometimes Adam revolted. “I’m first, you know – if it wasn’t for me you’d only be a thought in the Creator’s mind. And besides, my ribs still hurt. And even more to the point, our Creator called YOU the helpmate, not me. How come I’m doing the dirty work? You don’t even cook and my stomach is still churning since you serve fruit every night. Not even a vegetable casserole, which our chief dietician, the Maker of fruit, veggies, and bouillabaisse, allows us to eat.”

Eve just sulked like your wife and refused to talk to Adam for the rest of the day. (But consider how lucky Adam was – NO IN-LAWS!! to barge in and start snacking at his banana supper. Not even an unemployed brother-in-law.)

So, the days rolled on with little excitement except for the lovers occasionally shouting at each other. Then one day as the two were resting from their daily battle, Adam made an observation. “Eve,” he said more gently than usual, “your middle section (he hadn’t learned the word “tummy” yet) seems to be growing – it’s pouching out a little bit.” More insults, thought Eve. She ignored him except to point out that his stringy hair looked like “a snake’s nest”.

But over the following weeks and months there was no denying it. Her middle section was growing. “You’re eating like one of those tigers in the meadow.” “No I’m not.” “Yes you are.” They thought about it all night. Three o’clock in the morning, Eve, who wasn’t dumb, said in a thin, gentle voice, “Adam, my lord and master, you don’t think it’s that fun thing we do every night?”

“Of course not,” said Adam, who thought himself the more experienced of the two. “But I gotta admit I never read that pamphlet, ‘Conception’, the Boss gave us the day he made you.”

Well, imagine their surprise when Eve continued to swell and one morning they woke up with three laying in the straw bed of the cave, instead of two. Remember this was before G-d had punished Eve with pain at childbirth. He just lay there – it was a “he” – looking around at his brave, new world. A miniature of his parents just like a rabbit was a model miniature of his two rabbit parents and a baby fox reflected his two foxy parents.

There’s a rumor that a midnight midrash informed the two human lovers of the techniques and mechanics expected of them and the sometimes results.

“There’s no free lunch,” as an economist said thousands of years later.