Some of my best friends are dogs

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF

A dog is a pet.

A cat is a mystery.

Some of my best friends are dogs; so don’t call me a bigot if I tell you that I prefer cats. Why, you ask? Because dogs are so domesticated that they’re like humans. They are as dull and predictable as your Uncle Harry. On the other hand, a cat is fascinatingly dark, murky, and mysterious. She (and for some reason I envision all cats as female) radiates the pulses of the jungle – she still lives in the world we humans lived in 10,000 years ago.

And she’s smart while dogs are dumb – yes, I know that’s not politically correct, but it’s not a hate crime though I’m probably vulnerable to a defamation lawsuit. And notice how unfairly the Chumash treats cats. They’re not mentioned once – dogs are cited seven or eight times depending on the translation. This disregard is probably due to memories of Egyptian bondage where the cat was king.

But consider – the canine is too dumb to keep himself clean. You gotta bathe him – that’s like bathing your Uncle Harry. The clever cat understands that cleanliness is next to godliness. So, what does she do in her spare time? Conducts an endless search for germ-carrying fleas, ticks, and other germy creatures on her furry body.

Ever watched a dumb dog go out an open door? He just marches out like there’s not a 300-pound beast, who has been surveying that door for hours, waiting for a juicy canine supper. That dog sees the world as Disneyland.

Not so for Ms. Cat. She remembers in her racial past that there was a 300-pound beast who would gobble her up when she stepped out of her den. Watch her. She tentatively puts s single paw through the doorway. She looks both ways like you crossing a traffic street. You can’t be too careful, you know. She sniffs the air, too, as though you can smell danger. Only then will she parade confidently through the door.

And take that other canine habit that burdens dog owners. They need to be walked! What a nerve. You must interrupt watching TV, drinking a beer, or reading a book when doggie shows up with a leash in his teeth and a map of the neighborhood in his paw. And you just cut the grass! A low maintenance cat squeaks for you to open the door so she can take a solo safari of the neighborhood. And yet when it comes to intelligence, the world gives the medal to the dog. Why is it smart for him to roll over on his back at your command? It doesn’t do him any good. Cats just laugh inside at human commands.

Besides, if it’s intelligence you’re after, the pig beats both. But who wants to sit on the couch watching TV with a pig – stroking his back? Your friends will stage an intervention – send you off to a loony facility and enjoy pork chops for supper. Yeah, pigs are so smart that most of them end up in an oven or on a barbecue grill.

The cat understands human commands as well as a dog – she hears anger or approval in the tone of your voice. If, for example she misses the litter box (notice my admission) – good thing she’s not a bear – I shout and scream and wave my arms. She reads my anger. She hangs her head and stares at the mess she made on the floor. I, too, have to understand her language. I know that means she’s sorry and would clean it up if she had a vacuum cleaner handy.

This rarely happens unless I forget to clean the litter box. Well, it still beats having to usher the dog outside to decorate your closely cut, perfectly green lawn. And who wants a pet that greets your guest by hurling his full weight at their chest – knocking them down and spilling the tray full of martinis? You don’t make friends that way. Ever see a cat do that?

And consider the antagonism between the two species. How many times have you ever seen a cat chase a dog? Never. It’s always that foul-tempered canine running down a soft, fluffy peace-loving feline. The dog is jealous, I bet – wishes he was a cat!

If I were a dog, I’d visit a highly specialized veterinarian who could turn me into a cat. Species changes can’t be more difficult than gender changes. Consider Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner.