Women and doctors

By TED ROBERTS, the SCRIBBLER ON THE ROOF

What is it about Jewish women and doctors? Why doesn’t the typical mother want her daughter to marry a physicist or a Talmudic scholar or a Google executive? No, it’s always a doctor. Maybe it’s like the 10,000 mothers who dream of being a starlit female rocker and pass the dream on to their daughters.

Ah, the ideal mate, a doctor.

And don’t answer me that financial security is a piece of the puzzle. The typically Jewish CEO of a Big Box electronic start-up could buy three of four doctors. It goes deeper than that. I’ve given the question much thought and decided that functionality plays a major role. One of your rambunctious kids threw a solid lead astray at you (you know how we Jewish parents pamper our kids) and broke your nose
in three places. (You lost two teeth, too, but that’s irrelevant to our thesis.) Now who would you rather have as a mate, a nasal entologist who has spent ten years putting noses in a straight line or
the CEO of Amalgamated Securities who would immediately start taking marginal bets on replacing the original, charming nose? Doesn’t take long to answer. So, there’s the immediate motive of family self-
sufficiency.

But there’s something more mysterious. Darker, deeper that goes back to Exodus days. I state it in its simplest form that every husband can verify. Women like doctors. Have you ever noticed that women
“dress” for their doctor? She wears jeans to her dentist, but her fanciest clothing to the clinic, where she’s going to take off all her clothes. A waste of time, I say.

And what really arouses my suspicions is that they love the visit. It beats shopping.

Husband: “Helen, where are you going? Why are you dressed for an interview with the Sultan of Brunei?”

Mate: “I injured my finger.”

Husband: (Perplexed) “Does it hurt?”

Mate: “No, but it might.”

Most women have more checkups than the Space Shuttle. Periodic checkups are their fetish just when the tide of medical periodical maintenance is beginning to diminish. Colonoscopies, says the Journal
of Medical Fads, are fine, but we may be over-doing it because the doc – who may have over-celebrated the Kiddush with a bottle instead of a glass the night before – could poke a hole in this vital organ.
Mammograms likewise. Everywhere in medical philosophy, we read of caution on frequency; infections, radiation, carelessness. Caution not cessation of course.

And yet I know women who have a specialized doctor for every piece of their anatomy. You remember the early admonition “catch it early”? And if you don’t catch it keep on looking, you’re bound to find
something.